The hate ... The hate...

Why on earth is it that if you happen to disagree with someone or with some group, you're immediately told that you're full of hate. I can certainly disagree -- vehemently disagree with someone -- without "hating" them (although it doesn't seem to work in reverse). On my recent post on asexuality -- in which I simply expressed an opinion; I did not rage that asexuality is evil or that asexuals should be rounded up and shot -- I got the impression that most of the people who disagreed with me hated me a lot more than I supposedly hated them. [For the record I don't hate people who identify as asexual. And I don't hate those who identify as bisexual, although I've been called biphobic more than once, mostly because I don't always believe that everyone who says they're bisexual is genuinely bisexual anymore than I think everyone who claims to be straight is actually straight. Sue me.]

It seems the only way you can convince some people that you don't hate them is to agree with everything they say. Jeez-- what would be the point then of writing anything or even expressing an opinion? I have never lied about how I feel just to get people to like me. Sure I can be wrong at times, and when and if I come to that conclusion -- about anything -- I'll say so.

As a gay man I'm almost constantly told that because I'm discriminated against I mustn't dare say anything about any group that might be considered a teensy bit negative. I've been told that I must be transphobic (even though I've mentioned more than once that I support transgender rights) because I don't write more often about transgender issues. Actually I have written a few posts on transsexuality, sometimes with irreverence, never with hatred.

But the fact remains that I can not be a spokesperson for the transgender community. I am a gay man, and am knowledgeable of what it means and what it's like to be a gay man. I am not transsexual and can't write from personal experience about what it means and what it's like to be transgender. There are plenty of transgender blogs for that. And asexuals can have their say by starting their own blogs. I do have to say -- here comes the "hatred" again -- that while I find aspects of transsexuality to be rather fascinating, I do not have a similar fascination with asexuality [or bisexuality, for that matter]. There will be immature people who will instantly decide that I therefore must hate asexuals. So far no lesbian has ever accused me of being anti-lesbian, misogynous, or homophobic because I may write more about gay men -- understandably -- than about lesbians.

Some of this attitude comes from youthful mis-directed fervor, some from immaturity, some from mental instability. We don't like to talk about it much, but just like the straight community, the GLBT community and other "out there" groups have some members who are not playing with a full deck or to put it more kindly have mental or emotional "issues." This is not due to their various sexual orientations (although it could be exacerbated by self-hatred or society's disdain) but comes from a variety of causes as it does with straights.

The trouble is that a gay man and activist is not allowed to come right out and say "I think this is silly, I think it's stupid, I think you have emotional or mental issues," even if this is the case. Right away you're slapped back with "but gay people were once thought [still are in some quarters] to be mentally unstable -- how can you discriminate against anyone else?"

Well ... if I think someone is a little nutty (as opposed to eccentric), I think they're nutty, and it doesn't matter if they're also gay or at least GLBT. They are perfectly free to think I'm nutty, too.

For instance, on one progressive message board a person suggested that F for Furry be added to GLBT. "Furries" are people who dress up as cartoon animals, hold conventions, and the like. This person thought of furries as a persecuted minority group and felt that since many furries were gay, they should be added to GLBT. [Let me make it clear that unlike the groups on my "sexual minorities you never heard of" post, furries actually exist! Yes!]

Frankly, even on this progressive board, he didn't get much sympathy.

I left a comment that went something like this. "Perhaps we should add an H for Honeymooners to GLBT. I am a gay man who loves The Honeymooners with Jackie Gleason. There are many gay Honeymooners fans so surely this would be the right thing to do."

Naturally, the furry and a couple of GLBT furry supporters slammed me as a bigot and said I was full of -- you guessed it -- hatred.

I didn't hate that guy. I just thought he was being foolish. But saying someone is being foolish is enough to get you branded a hateful bigot these days. Especially in the modern GLBT community where sensitivity and touchiness is at an all-time high. I understand the reasons for it -- attacks from the Religious Right, the ongoing gay marriage debate, and so on, everyone needing their own space and spotlight, wanting complete understanding (and total agreement -- or else) -- but when it leads to gay men being called Fascists and Nazis simply because they have a differing opinion it's a little ridiculous. [Most of the people who fling out the terms Fascist and Nazi at people who disagree with them have no idea what those terms really mean. Talk about hatred!]

Years ago there was this guy who invited me and a friend to a party without first telling me that most of the guests were into not men but boys. Young boys. As soon as I realized it I turned to my friend and said "put down your drink. Head for the door. Do not say good-bye to anyone. Just leave." When I saw the guy who extended the invitation days later I freely admit I shunned him. "Oh ... the hate, the hate," he muttered as he walked away. Did I hate him? Let's just say I was furious that he had simply assumed because I was a gay activist that I was "okay" with pedophilia, which I'm certainly not, and found his guests to be repellant. People like this have been no help to Gay Rights and have only helped perpetuate ugly stereotypes.

Compared to those people, I haven't much of a beef with asexuals.

Years ago all of [most of?] the sexual minorities were lumped together under the GLBT banner for political purposes. While in some ways this makes perfect sense, it has also created its own set of problems. Gays and bi's and transsexuals do not always look at the world in the same way or from the same vantage point. Bad enough that within the gay community itself there are nasty disagreements based on varying levels of "outness" and identifications (butch vs femme etc.). And of course there are generational disagreements.

Many of the ones who feel "hated" are people in their teens and twenties with various identities who want very much to be taken seriously and are furious when they're not. Believe me, I, too, was young once, so I get that. What I get and they generally don't get is that people in their teens and twenties are still finding themselves for the most part. [Older people can still be finding themselves, of course, but it's more often a phenomenon of youth.] They may be bisexual at 25 and gay at 30. They may see themselves as being gay at 14 and realize that they're really transsexual four years later. Some of the attitudes that they most cherish while in college may seem as ridiculous to them as they do to me when they've been out in the real world for several years. But you just can't tell them this; they have to learn it for themselves. And along with generational conflicts comes age discrimination, which can admittedly work in both directions but which is more likely to target the older person, despite the fact that he or she is clearly more experienced, at least at some things.

If you're gay you sometimes feel as if you're almost forced to stand up for the entire experience of the sexual spectrum, whether you're qualified to or not. You don't dare criticize. At all times you must be politically correct and totally progressive. If you don't you're branded a bigot. And you're always slapped with that "But you're gay so you of all people should understand ..." and so on. I'm really beginning to resent it. This doesn't just come from outside the gay community but from within it. I have actually heard gay men who complain that their favorite gay bar and safe haven is becoming a little too straight for their comfort level being called "heterophobic" from other (and very, very silly) gay men. The former gay men don't hate heterosexuals nor do they wish to discriminate against them, they just get a little nervous when a bar becomes so straight-friendly that straights who are not so gay-friendly come into the place in droves and take over the joint.

But some GLBTers see objecting to this as bigotry. If I think they're ninnies, I'm going to say so. [Ironically I have straight friends who completely understand where the gay guys are coming from and don't in any way, shape or form see this as anti-straight discrimination.]

And why is it politically correct to talk about biphobia and transphobia among gay men and lesbians but politically incorrect to talk about homophobia among some bi's and transsexuals?

Yes, gay men are discriminated against. That doesn't mean we have to buy or agree with everything or risk being branded a bigot.

Our community is diverse. Let's celebrate that diversity [of opinion] and not expect everyone to toe the line and have the exact same opinion and attitude of everyone else.

Just my opinion.

Another Good Reason to Wear Condoms!

Okay, first off, I support full rights for transsexuals and sympathize with the plight of those trans men who, for one reason or another, retain their female sexual organs and find themselves a bit adrift in a world, gay or straight, that worships cock. I'm not trying to make fun of anyone or of their choices, but I can't help but find a certain bizarre aspect to this that I think has its humorous aspects. Let's face it -- sexuality can sure be funny. In fact, if I were religious I'd say that sex was God's little joke on humanity.

Anyway, on a previous post I went into the reaction some gay males have to learning that there are gay (trans) men out there cruising gay bars who have pussies. Now we have a man, Thomas Beatie -- a Trans Man (a female-to-male transsexual) -- who seems to have retained his female sexual organs not because artificial penises don't look good or because they're too expensive, but because he wanted to get pregnant. Which is, of course, his prerogative. (His wife -- apparently he is a hetero Trans Man -- cannot have children.)

Frankly, I have to wonder if all Trans Men are thrilled with this development. Here they are, innately male, trying to be as outwardly masculine as they can be, some Out and Proud as Transgender, some trying to "pass," but still wanting to be recognized by the world as men.

And along comes Thomas Beatie, a Trans Man who's carrying a baby! (And apparently he's not the first. Just the most publicized and the first to get a book deal.) Beatie says that he's all man inside. "I see pregnancy as a process. It doesn't define who I am."

Beatie is quick to make it clear that he was never a lesbian. "When I was a teenager I had an attraction to women, but it wasn't a sexual attraction." But if he was always innately male deep within himself, even a sexual attraction to women wouldn't have made him a lesbian, would it? (It would be ironic -- and a little sad -- if Beatie, who is a man carrying a baby, was embarrassed or ashamed to have anybody think he might be or might have once been a "dyke!" Oy vey!)

The New York Post did a surprisingly respectful strictly-the-facts piece on Beatie (although one wonders how respectful it would have been had Beatie's partner been a man). Still, the piece, by Michael Starr, admirably avoided any snideness or judgmental attitude. But it also avoided any tough questions.

Will most people, even in the gay community, see Beatie as a true man, a grotesque combination of male and female, or just a lesbian who isn't facing the facts about herself? A woman who wants a sense of male power while retaining abilities peculiar to females? I, and many others scoffed at a young bisexual lady on a gay message board who suggested that there was a trend in "butch lesbians" transitioning into men -- even Trans Man porn star Buck Angel remarked that switching sexes is becoming easy and "trendy" -- but while most transsexuals are truly transsexual, sometimes you have to wonder.

One reason many guys will have trouble seeing Beatie as really being a guy is the simple fact that he actually wanted to get pregnant. Guys not only do not want to get pregnant, most don't want to get anybody else pregnant, although many stupidly do because they're drunk, horny, and can't bother with a condom. I speak primarily of straight guys, of course, along with some bi-identified men and even a few gay men who occasionally enjoy a poke with a kinky female friend.

But now there's this new wrinkle. I can picture it. Horny, drunk gay guy gets picked up by a macho, bearded stud in the local leather bar. Once home, they tear each other's clothing off, only the gay guy discovers that the other gay guy is a Trans Man with a vagina. Initially distressed by the phallic-less state of his date, he's drunk enough to fuck him anyway. He figures, what the hell? Pussy or no pussy, at least the guy looks like a hairy macho man.

Then a few months later, a very pregnant bearded guy walks into the Eagle and slaps the gay guy with a court order for child support!

Yikes!

Like I say, get out those condoms, fellas, LOL!

LOGO Goes Loco?

WHAT'S SO GAY ABOUT THIS?

Hot on the heels of MTV's moronic A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila, LOGO -- the gay (or at least LGBT) network -- offers us a transgendered version of The Bachelor/Bachelorette which they call Transamerican Love Story. The premise has transgendered female Calpernia Addams (are there any transwomen -- or drag queens for that matter -- called, say, Karen or Sarah?) dating eight guys to try and find love --yeah, sure! -- with one of them. The show will proceed like all the others and at the end of each new episode, one of the rivals for the heroine's affection will be asked to leave until a real live love match is supposedly made. Since I doubt if anyone of any orientation has ever stayed together after "winning" on one of these shows, I have to say "Good luck to that!"

Okay, on the gay LOGO network we have a show about a woman (and Calpernia is a woman regardless of her biological origins) dating eight men. In other words, she's heterosexual and most of the men on the program say they are too. So this is to all intents and purposes a heterosexual dating show (if with a twist). How liberal of LOGO. Calpernia will ask questions, go on dates, have little competitions, and act all kittenish just like any other gal on The Bachelorette and the guys will fight to woo and win her, make nasty comments about each other, and ty to act all macho, just like the contestants. Big fuckin' deal.

In spite of that there are a couple of gay things about this program. First, the host is that adorable little "nelly" comic Alec Mapa. (Mapa is a likable guy but he seems a bit out of place with this crew. I think the fact that he is very stereotypically gay -- not that there's anything wrong with that -- had a lot to do with his being hired.) As for the second, we'll get to that momentarily.

Now I wonder. If LOGO wanted to do a gay version of The Bachelor couldn't they have had a guy guy dating eight gay men, or a lesbian dating eight gay women? Couldn't they at least have had a show with a gay transsexual -- they do exist. (That way they could have had their cake and eaten it, too.) I know everything seems to be GLBT these days, but it's almost as if plain old gay is getting lost.

Despite the trendy twists, the program is the usual junk reality dating show with a somewhat interesting "love" object and a bunch of dating rivals who typically run the gamut from pleasant pawns to obnoxious egomaniacs. Calpernia is an attractive and feminine woman who could probably "pass" if she wanted to.

Not that I'm in any way recommending it, but there are some interesting aspects to the program. One of the contestants, a man named Jim, is also transgender. He tells Calpneria, but none of his rivals. Calpernia is surprised (Jim can also "pass") but her reaction is even more surprising -- or is it? She actually says "I would never have known -- he's so handsome." What -- does this transgendered female think that all transgendered men are ugly? Is there some internalized transphobia going on here? Later Calpernia wonders if she'll turn out to be a hypocrite, that she may find it uncomfortable dating a transsexual male. I admired her for her honesty.

An interesting complication is that, like many Female-to-Male transsexuals, Jim has not completely transitioned; he still has a vagina. But apparently Calpernia hasn't fully transitioned either; she still has a penis. So if these two get together -- pardon my crudity and not to make fun of anyone -- we'll have a woman with a dick sticking it into a man with a pussy. I don't know, maybe it's just me, but somehow doesn't it seem as if this sort of makes the whole point of getting a sex-change operation kind of pointless?

One of the guys, Peter I believe his name is, dates both men and women and is, of course, the "gayest" of the bunch after Alec Mapa. His dancing with the guys during a silly harem session leads another of the men, Mark, to make clearly disapproving insinuations about his sexuality.

Mark is so afraid of even being accidentally touched by another man that it leads Blaine to label him homophobic, which is ironic (more on why in a moment).

As for Mark, he's essentially a creepy little overcompensating professional wrestler who is horrified that anyone will think he's gay. He goes out of his way to point out that one shouldn't label someone just because they date transgendered women. I might point out that if you're afraid someone will think you're gay because you're dating someone who used to be a biological male, then you probably shouldn't date transgendered women -- you just can't handle it. Mark has such a pathetic need to be seen as ruggedly heterosexual that he even has the tattoo of a lipstick kiss on his upper arm as if he's the big stud that all the women want! What a dork!

Blaine is pathetic is his own way, as well. He only dates transgendered females. He says he's not straight (and yes he gets points for that) but -- get this -- he also says he's definitely not gay (funny, he doesn't say definitely in that certain way when he talks about not being straight). He doesn't like labels, but bi is probably the one that might fit our boy the best. He says that transgendered females are "the best of both worlds" and that he especially prefers "pre-op" trannies. Yes, that means he prefers transsexual women with dicks. Gee, he's not just a little bit gay? He calls Mark homophobic, but could there be some internalized homophobia going on with Blaine?

There have always been men who like "chicks with dicks." Usually these were drag queens, and sometimes they were hookers. More recently we have pre-op trannies struttin' their stuff in the red light zones (not to suggest that most, or even many, transsexuals are prostitutes). If a guy felt more secure having a homosexual experience -- dicks and all -- with a man dressed as a woman so he could pretend she was female, imagine how secure he feels having sex with someone who's not only dressed as a woman but is one (although the dick might present a problem to certain straight men.)

Come to think of it, how will some of the guys on this show deal with Calpernia's penis?

Straight guys. I don't think so.

Maybe this show is gayer than I thought. But not in the Out and Proud way that would make me feel a lot more comfortable with its existence.

UPDATE: Okay, when I make a mistake, I make a mistake. Calpernia is actually post-op, and her friend Andrea is a lesbian transsexual. I regret these errors. Please see the comments for more information.

The End of "Gay Rights"

No, there's no more Gay Rights Movement.

Now there's just the LGBT – or GLBT-- movement. (Sometimes I call it the Bacon, Lettuce and Tomato Movement.)

The justification for this is obvious. By combining the numbers of gays and lesbians with the numbers of bisexuals (real or imagined) and transvestites (presumably straight as well as gay?) and transsexuals for political purposes you get a much larger minority group and this can have long-term benefits in terms of both voting and spending power. Even gay-friendly groups seem to be illogically lowering the percentage of gays in the world via various bullshit “studies” so it seems necessary to lump all the sexual minorities under one umbrella.

Still...

I consider myself a Gay Activist – not an LGBT activist. The reasons are simple. Out of the other sexual minorities under the umbrella, I identify the most with lesbians simply because they, like me, are gay. I identify with bisexuals only when they're in long-term same-sex relationships (otherwise – to be frank – I have little use for them and they for me). And I identify with transvestites (straight or gay) and transsexuals not at all. True, I have met some drag queens (the term used for gay men who are also transvestites) but I relate to them as gay men only. While I am not like the fellow who once wrote about transsexuals that they were “these sad fucks who want to change their sex,” I admit I have always been very happy being a guy and would never want to change it. I have researched transsexuals and believe there are some people who legitimately feel that they were born into the wrong biological body. “Nature” does need a little “correcting.”

The vast majority of gay men have no interest in dressing up as the opposite sex and do not in any way see themselves as being female. Yet, Gay Culture seems to be dominated by images of drag queens everywhere you look. They are featured in ads for certain gay bars that make it seem as if the place is wall to wall with cross-dressers. Naturally, some bars cater to the drag scene much more than others. You rarely if ever see drag queens (except on Halloween, when most of them are just “ordinary” gay guys in costume) in the butcher bars like Ty's, Rawhide, or the Eagle.

I have nothing against drag queens. I like most of the ones I've met and spoken to. But they're just one small segment of the gay population and our media makes it seem like they constitute 75% of the community. Those men who are very heavily into the drag scene – who basically dress and live like women most of the time – are a very different kind of animal from me. I wish them well, but I can't and won't speak for them – although I deplore any kind of patronizing or prejudicial attitude against them – nor they for me. Many of these guys might as well be women [not that there's anything wrong in that!] but for the actual sex change.

As for transsexuals, they, too, are a way different breed from the typical gay man. Someone once theorized that trannies are essentially homosexual men who are so appalled at the notion of being gay that they would rather change their sex – becoming heterosexual women instead of gay men – then come out of the closet. Well ... I admit that's a little far-fetched. I mean, coming out of the closet seems a whole lot simpler and less shocking to the family than getting a sex change operation. Although I do recall seeing a talk show in which a transgender person announced to all who would listen that she was sick of people thinking she was a fag. Lovely. And exceedingly hypocritical.

The older brother of a childhood friend of mine changed into a woman at the ripe old age of sixty. On one hand, I thought it incredible that he would go through such a major life change at such an age, but he probably figured it's either now or never. How he must have wrestled with the disparity between his inner mind and outer body for all of his life. Since he was apparently always a woman even before he had the operation, I suppose you can't say he was ever really homosexual even if he was primarily attracted to males. If his primary attraction was to females, I suppose he was and is a lesbian. Who knows? I hope he's happy as I remember him as being a nice guy.

20/20 did a show on transsexuals who were aware at a surprisingly early age that they were trapped in the wrong body. I was bothered by the fact that the mother of one young boy-who-should-have-been-a girl wondered if his opposite sex characteristics meant he was gay instead of transsexual (the poor kid wanted to cut off his penis; I don't think he was gay.). It bothered me because I got the feeling that the woman was one of these parents who feel that if their son can throw a football he couldn't possibly be gay.

I'm glad I watched the 20/20 report however because it also introduced us to a young “woman” who was convinced that she was really a man. There was absolutely nothing "freakish" about her – she simply seemed like a nice, rather manly young fellow. Not "mannish" like a stereotypical lesbian (not to say they are in any way "freakish"), but manly. I had a very positive reaction to him which made me feel much better after the negative reaction I had to a photo in an ad for a recent leather “black party” in which gay guys -- bears -- are encouraged to spend a marathon of hours dancing and partying. The big guest and main image of the party was a female-to-male transsexual who had a mustache and all the usual regalia associated with the leather scene. I thought it odd that the symbol of this supposedly hyper-macho event was a woman, although I reminded myself that he really wasn't a woman anymore if he ever had been. Still, my mind shrieked out “what a freak!” when I saw his picture and I immediately felt guilty for thinking it. I admit it may be terrible that I think this way, but I would rather not meet a person in, say, a leather bar and go home with them, only to discover they were once a biological female. And what on earth would the “penis” look like? On the other hand, I am well aware that this gentleman is a human being as worthy of respect as any other. [And I'm probably not his type, either!] He probably has a tough enough time living day to day without any LGBTers making it worse for him, so if he's been embraced by this community -- if no other -- I say fine. Still, I just can't think of him as a gay guy like me. Sorry. (I assume he was attracted to men both before and after the sex change. But gee -- maybe he's straight. Although he's more likely to get a date with a gay guy than a straight woman -- but who the hell knows?)

Part of the problem is that male to female transvestites and transsexuals have become "commonplace" -- for lack of a better word -- while the opposite is comparatively rare. Or at least it seems that way. (Perhaps they get less publicity. And lesbian drag kings -- I have no idea how many there are -- haven't developed this huge cultural image or interest the way that gay drag queens have.) For better or worse, sex change operations -- while nothing new -- are still a little "out there" for most people. Which perhaps makes the people who get them a bit braver and tougher or just more desperate, in the sense that they must live as a man -- or woman -- or literally die.

But I think this underlines the fact that while gays and transgenders may both be sexual minorities (far fewer trannies than gays, let's face it) they are really totally different in a thousand ways. Gays and Lesbians are gay brothers and sisters. And bisexuals? ... we'll tackle them in another post or two.

Let me make it clear that I am decidedly against discrimination against any of the groups under the LGBT umbrella. My attitudes about some groups may be politically incorrect at times but that doesn't mean I "hate" anybody. But I can't in good conscience speak out about the specific issues affecting, say, the transgender community when they are simply not issues that affect me in any great way nor which I have any special familiarity with. (It goes without saying that I am aware that all the different LGBT factions suffer from some degree of discrimination and this has created a kind of bond that is perhaps more informal and tacit than actual.) The Gay community alone has important issues that need to be dealt with and there are any number of Bi and Transgender activists who can address the issues affecting those particular communities.

The Gay Activist Alliance became a single issue civil rights organization after the Gay Liberation Front fell apart because its members were always running off to one meeting or action after another for various causes and political issues; the struggle for Gay Rights was lost in a sea of general activism. It was decided that GAA would concentrate strictly on Gay Rights. The group could certainly issue statements of support for other civil rights organizations and individual members could attend any protest meeting or conference etc. that they wanted to. But the main focus was always Gay Rights.

GAA may be long gone, and I may not be officially affiliated with any organization, but I'm still proud to be a GAY activist.