Dealing with Getting Older

A friend of mine looked over the crowd at Ty's bar one night and said, "Everyone here is over the hill."

"Speak for yourself!" I told him.


Everyone knows that it's no picnic growing older in a society that
mostly scorns and demeans older people, sometimes out of ignorance and stupidity and more often out of fear. Younger people mock those who are older because they're terrified of growing older themselves. This is true in both gay and straight communities.

The thing is that, while no one wants to get older and that much closer to old age, possible sickness and indignity, and an undeniable death, having a bad attitude will only make things worse. It's one thing when twenty somethings make stupid remarks and give attitude to older people, but let's not do it to ourselves. Getting older is like being gay. There are enough people out there putting us down, let's not make things worse by adding to it.

When it comes to middle-aged gay men (and this probably applies to straight men as well) I've noticed there seem to be (for our purposes, at least) two kinds.

The first kind has completely given up on love and sex and dating and doesn't remember the last time they got laid or the last time they were on a date -- it's been that long. They may feel they're too old, or have let themselves go and have a negative self-image (more on this later), or they just want to drink, have fun, and forget about everything else. To quote a line from Dodsworth (the film version) they're rushing at old age. These men may only be in their forties but they might as well be elderly (although may I say right now that there are elderly men who are more vital and active than their middle-aged counterparts).

The second kind (count me in this group) don't let age -- however old they are -- stop them from doing whatever it is they want to do. And they certainly haven't given up on sex, dating, the search for love, or what-have-you.

A lot of middle-aged men have let themselves get out of shape, but this should not be a deterrent to a love life. In the bear community, for instance, you don't have to be slim, handsome or smooth-skinned, and for those who are looking for younger conquests, there are many cubs looking for "daddies." True, not all out-of-shape men have a bear "aura," but it isn't all that difficult to get back into shape. I found that regular exercise -- nothing too extreme -- and watching what you consume worked wonders.

Frankly, I can't understand people who let their age define them. One of my closest friends, Larry, enjoyed the pursuit (and you shouldn't have to ask pursuit of what) until he was in his seventies, and was successful more often than not. But it isn't just about sex; it's about everything. I refuse to put limits on myself as I age and I don't want anyone else putting limits on me.

The friend who made the "over the hill" remark wasn't being unkind. He's certainly not over the hill but he's in a difficult period of his life, grieving for a lost loved one, and this understandably colors his attitude.

Later that night at Ty's I met a guy who was as horny as I was and helped remind me that Ty's -- even if most of the customers are middle-aged and up -- can be very cruisy, and that the party doesn't stop at 45, 50, or older. Many middle-aged men, even senior citizens, are still quite attractive -- and damned good in bed (experience never hurts). There's a reason why there are jars full of condoms on the bar at Ty's.

Sure, guys in their 20's may snicker at the thought of, say, a hot 52-year-old, but they don't know what they're missing. Far from being over the hill, I'd dare say I'm better at just about everything than I was twenty years ago.

The sad truth -- one which younger people often just don't want to face -- is that we all get older and there's not a damn thing anyone can do about it.

Except adjust your attitude and live life to the fullest regardless of how old you are!

First of Many

This will hopefully be the first post of many dealing not only with my life but with the lives of many other people who also belong to the various groups/designations that I belong to -- as well as other and related matters. I do not define my identity with any one designation. My identity is a combination of all these designations plus a little something extra that adds up to me.

Although raised in another faith, I consider myself Jewish because my mother was. She was not a practicing Jew for most of her life and neither am I. I am not in the least religious, but I may feel an affinity to other Jews on the racial level. In any case, I become a full-blooded Jewish person the minute I hear an anti-Semitic remark.

I am also Gay. Non-stereotypical in most ways; vaguely stereotypical in others. I am constantly annoyed by the way the world at large seems in so many ways unaware of the diversity of the gay community. But I can't always blame "straight" people for this as there are many gays who are also unaware of the diversity of the gay community. Or unwilling to explore it.

I am generally considered a gay "bear" because a.) I am hairy; b.) I am generally non-stereotypical; c.) I am of a certain age [over forty]; d.) I am not a "pretty boy." The sub-designation "bear" is also very diversified. Some might not consider me a bear because a.) I only occasionally sport facial hair --generally a mustache and sometimes a beard, but I find them a pain in the neck to keep carefully trimmed, and I'm not into "soup catchers;" b.) I do not have a massive frame or a big belly (any more) although I am by no means a ninety-pound weakling; c.) I am masculine but not necessarily hyper-butch with a deep voice and super-muscular arms. But I have been called a bear and I do not fit comfortably into any other classification.

As I say, I am of a certain age, and while I'm nowhere near being a senior citizen, I am prepared to be a Gray Activist as well as a Gay Activist. I deplore the fact that in our society [gay and straight] age is not revered but reviled. Every day younger people who will someday be middle-aged and old themselves chip away -- or try to -- at older people's self-confidence. Sometimes they are unaware of what they are doing and sometimes they are acting out of their own insecurities. I refuse to be put down simply because I am no longer young.

I also refuse to be put down because I am gay. While currently I do not belong to any gay groups, I was a militant [but non-violent, let me make that clear] gay activist for many years and that spirit reignites in me whenever I see an injustice directed against myself as a gay man or gay people -- male or female -- in general.

As for being tough, let's just say that in this world you sometimes have to be. But I am also tender. I can not consider being any other way.